הידיעה על מותה הפתאומי של קריסטינה שלחה אותי עם תמיר, שרון ואניה לעיר סינטרה שליד ליסבון כדי לתמוך בחברנו מיכאל שאיבד את אהובתו. שיר של יונה וולך ליווה אותי בשלושת הימים האלה עם מיכאל ועם נשמתה של קריסטינה ועם המשפחה שלה שהגיעה מגרמניה:
גם הים נסוג
ויש לו אולי
רגשי אשמה
כמו לי
פתאום
והכל חוף
ויש צדפים לאסוף
וחיות
וצריך לחזור
מהנסיגה
ולאסוף
איזו מין יונה וולך זו. גם אותי לימדו בתיכון על הפרובוקציות עם התפילין ועל הסקס האחר, אבל רק אחרי הלימודים גיליתי כמה האישה הזו עמוקה ולאיזה מקור אמונה אדיר היא מחוברת בכזו צניעות וחמלה. לא בכדי זו שהכי רדיקלית וסקסית וקווירית היא גם הכי רוחנית. כאן אפשר היה לספר על אהבתה של קריסטינה לנצרות, לילדים, למזרח התיכון (התמונה שלמעלה נשלחה מטקס שערכו לזכרה ילדים מבית ג'אלה), על אומץ לבה לחקור גם את המקומות החשוכים וגם לחגוג את החיים האלה. במקום זאת אני בוחר להתבונן בצוקים מהם נפלה, אחד המקומות העוצמתיים ביותר שראיתי בחיי, ולחפש נחמה בנקיק השיר.
בנקיק נסתר בצוקים
אילה שותה מים
מה לי ולה,
אלא צוקי ליבי
אלא מעיין חיי
אלא נסתר.
איילה, מה לי ולה
מה לי ולה
מה לי ולה
איילה מה לי ולה
אלא אהבתי
מה הם צוקי לבי? זו המיניות המחברת בין מעלה למטה ומעמידה אותנו מול מרחבי אין קץ ומול הפחד מליפול והאומץ לקפוץ לתהום הלא נודע.
מהו מעיין חיי? זו המודעות, המקור לייחוד האנושי, שבה משתקפים החיים כשהמים אינם עכורים. לעולם לא אשכח את הדרך אל המעיין.
מהו הנסתר? זו הרוח הגדולה הנסתרת מהעין, הכמוסה והמפיחה חיים בחומר. אל הנסתר – אל האחד הגדול.
אהבתי? כאן אין מטפורה או דימוי. זו האהבה. פשוט כמו האהבה.
יהי זכרה ברוך.
תודה, אורי. הפוסטים שלך תמיד מעוררים השראה. ויש מתוכם כאלה שבמיוחד. זה, למשל. בברכת אהבה.
תודה יניב הקורא האלמוני הנאמן. הלוואי והייתי יכול לשלוח לינק לביצוע של מיכל טל-יה ל"גם הים נסוג" שעדיין מזדמזם לי בראש. בינתיים הנה "אילה" בביצוע של עלמא:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dEDp45cIWGk
לפני כמה ימים נתתי הרצאה בפני הקהילה בנושא המוות כמעורר השראה לחיים. המוות כמורה אהבה – איך לאהוב ככה שאפילו המוות לא יפריד בינינו? איך לאהוב ללא היצמדות? גיליתי שהמקום שבי שהוא נטול פחד מוות, הוא גם המקום שבי שאוהב. בברכת אהבה ליניב ולכל הקוראים האלמונים.
http://www.google.co.il/ig?hl=iw#max25
החול יזכור
חוה אלברשטיין
מילים: נתן יונתן
החול יזכור את הגלים אבל לקצף אין זוכר
זולת ההם אשר עברו עם רוח לילה מאחר
מזכרונם הוא לעולם לא ימחה.
הכל ישוב אל המצולות זולת הקצף הלבן.
נרות הלילה דעכו. הידידות האהבה
הנעורים שבאו פתע אל סופם
הנעורים שבאו פתע אל סופם.
כמוהו גם על חוף ליבם רטט אז משהו חיוור
והם רשמו בתוך החול, כשהירח העובר
האיר פתאום פנים זרות ושחוק רפה.
הכל ישוב אל המצולות…
היו שם קונכיות ריקות שנהמו קינה של ים
ובית עלמין על הגבעות
ושניים שחלפו דומם
בין החצב והקברים והשיקמה.
הכל ישוב אל המצולות…
מכתב ממיכאל:
a bit more than a week passed since i found my love dead on the beach, so i thought to write to u all, about what happened.
it was Thursday. after a very intimate and beautifull love night. i was practicing music intensively, because we planned to go for the weekend to tamera, also to Purim party. at afternoon i came to our room, and we made love again. than she said she goes for a walk, and i had a nice evening with the people we live(d) with. it was normal she goes from time to time for a walk, and also stay away overnight. what was not normal that she did not announced, or at least call. i tried to call her, but no answer. "ah, she forgot the phone again". it made me angry.
i went to sleep, assuming i'll find her next to me in the morning. when i didnt, i went to check if she slept in the car. no. than i started to be worried. i thought may be she fell and broke a leg, and can't move, or something of the sort. i went to the place she could have gone. its an area with cliffs, around 100m high, falling to the water. sometimes beaches (look at google maps. There is link at the end). i asked some fishermans if they saw a woman. they did not. then i got the thought "left". i went left, scanning with my eyes next to the sea, could not see anything. than came the next beach. its a beach with no access : clifs falling 90 degreese sharp down, and a narrow sand line. there was a small creek that i knew. i approached the edge of the cliff carefully. layed on my belly, and carefully sticked my head out…. what i saw was striking. there was no mistake. she was lying dead on her belly, on a big stone, some 80 meters below me. i did not
have to search. it was right there in my eyes. there was no doughts that it was her, althow i could not see her face. i knew her hair, her legs, her arm… it striked all my being. i screamed and my body trembled, keeping in my mind somewhere i need to hold the rocks around me, otherwise i will also fall. i screamed and screamed and screamed, to that def beauty. screamed to the sea which keep on waveing the beach, as it did always. to those indefinite rocks. to the birds. it was so lonely. lonely death. lonely me. lonely us.
somehow, i collected myself, and went crying to ask for help. i found a fisherman, who could explain in portuguese to the police where it was. At the end, they had to take her out with a helicopter. there was no other way.
i cried and cried and cried. sometimes, shortly, sober. i talked to tamir, that immidiately called kiko. kiko left everything and came. with him i went to the fire department, to recognize her. it was difficult. her cloths were soaked with sea water, and one could see she got hit. cloths soaked also with blood. again i screamed and cried, that time on kikos shoulder. later rakel, pedro, and kikos mother came.
then i knew i must call her mother and tell her. she and her boyfriend, knew about me, but we never met. what a message to tell.. also her close heart friends. He or she pick up the phone, and someone they never met, tell their beloved is dead. Than, 5 minuets late that short informative conversation ends. And than what? Its like a void. What does the person is doing now with that? And still, I must announce.
that was my kabbalat shabbat.
i spend the night with kiko sleeping in my room. and althow he was only sleeping, it helped so much, to somehow stay in connection to the reality, in all those hours im sending sms´s, people call, and im between on cry to the other. it was like time frozen. at the beginning i could not think more than now. later, i could think of one hour away. slowly i came to myself.
the next day people came from tamera. they left everything and came, to help, to support. tamir, uri, anya and sharon. later came ana frison. what a support! In full service. they helped so much, with an open heart and devotion. on all levels. including supporting her family. Later in the week, I went to tamera for a weekend, which was very healing. I could lough afterwards! Its like they came and hugged me, and surrounded by that hug, the took me to rest in tamera.
before christina left germany to me, she left a letter what to do if she dies. she asked to burn her body. and so we did, exacly one week after she fell. and she asked me to play for her the Rabbi from Sasov nigun (melody), and so i did. friends, if u make ceremony or evening for her, that is the nigun she likes.
who was christina for me? she was the first woman i fully believed she loves me, point. pure love. Accepting me as I am. and it was healing. it created trust, which enabled me slowly to loosen my control, and surrender. that is why free love was so easy. rita, my lover, became her best friend in portugal. they used to make yoga together and date. once they went for a festival "hunt man" together… they liked each other so much. she used to return from rita shining. today i understand deeper about love, and its thanks to her. christina had also dark side, and very bravely, she went there, many times together with me for healing. she was so faithfull for herself, and her inner emotional and spiritual needs. she teached me to love her "down" times, as well as the good ones.
and she was so good friend. oh yeah, i cried a lot for that loss. Its like a hole in the reality. I miss her so much. and i also cried, because she got heart. it was so painfull. than i knew i loved her. her death reflected me the depth of my love to her.
She was catholic, but never ever tried to convince me, or bring me to her believe. Even not to explain. For me, this is love. Accepting the other as he is. at certain point i asked her to participate in a misa with her, so to understand more of her believe. she had sharp eye to distinguish between real and fake, also on the the spiritual level. So I was interested what did she find there. Im sure it was meaningful and deep.
and some memories. our fights. i miss it so much. we used to fight on small silly things, laughing. oh yes. we laughed a lot. the coffee in the local café in the morning. than deep talks used to come. reading and learning togrther "the way of kabbalah", from halevi. kabbalat shabbat was so favorite. Once she made me crazy keep asking “what are we doing now?” on and on for half an hour! At the beginning I really tried to answer… so joyfull. we went few days to the desert, ending at the hazazon wadi. Later she went there alone! Its not an easy one. She was very brave.
That it friends. Thanks to all the help I got, even if its just a good thought. Now new chapter in my life opens. I also had to leave the house we lived at. So we will see what will come.
Thanx for all
Michael
For who is interested, the beach where she fell : maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=sintra+portugal&sll=37.996163,-95.712891&sspn=35.091815,78.837891&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Sintra,+Lisbon,+Portugal&ll=38.795278,-9.489527&spn=0.001118,0.002406&t=h&z=19>
The house we lived at : maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=sintra+portugal&sll=37.996163,-95.712891&sspn=35.091815,78.837891&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Sintra,+Lisbon,+Portugal&ll=38.794667,-9.477768&spn=0.000559,0.001203&t=h&z=20>
וכאן אפשר וכדאי להוריד את השיר "גם הים נסוג" של יונה וולך בלחן ובביצוע של מיכל טל-יה האהובה שהקליטה ושלחה לי במיוחד. תודה.
http://uploading.com/files/a394e164/gam%2Bhayam.%2Bmp3.%2B01.mp3/